Why am I not satisfied?
by kaleidoscope.eyes.painted.mind
Summary: I'm always telling James Potter to stop asking me out and go away. So when he finally does, why am I not satisfied? Lily's P.O.V., eventual JPLE.
1. How it all started

Disclaimer: I've checked my passport, and I'm still not J.K. Rowling.

* * *

How it all started.

* * *

'Evans! Go out with me?'

God, he's doing it again. And no friends, no-one else in the common room to save me. Why does that obnoxious idiot persist to ask me out all the time, He can have any girl in the castle, for Merlin's sake! He has gorgeous eyes, he's the Quidditch star, well built, smart, dreamy...

Dammit! Brain, you have got to stop associating James Potter, chief marauder, prankster extraordinary and unchanging git, with the words gorgeous and dreamy! He's an idiot, and will always be one. Never mind the way he treats Sev. I may not like him after he called me...that name, but he still introduced me to the magical world, and he was my best friend for 5 years.

'No, Potter. Get it into your thick skull. I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. GO. OUT. WITH. YOU. Why can't you just understand that, and shove off!

But then something changes all of a sudden. His face softens, and is that..hurt in his eyes? He's never looks like that when I reject him, he always just laughs it off and then just asks again tomorrow. Then, something I never could've imagined happens.

His voice drops to just above a whisper, and the tone fills me with guilt and shame.

'Okay.'


	2. Utterly confused

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, blah blah blah.

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Utterly Confused

* * *

It's been a week since it happened. Since James Potter stopped asking me out. And I have never been more confused.

I should be relieved that he's stopped. That he'll stop harassing me, stop pestering me, stop being an annoying arse. Now I can focus on hating him, and trying to achieve head girl.

But instead, I can't stop thinking about him. And not just because of his gorgeous eyes, although I really do believe they are perfect.

No, its because of how he's changed. He eats, he sleeps, he plays Quidditch, he goes to class, and that's it. He isn't even fully doing those either. He picks at his food, eating little and sometimes just skipping meals. He's not trying his hardest at Quidditch, and he's not getting enough sleep. You can see the dark shadows and bags underneath his eyes, even with his glasses. The only thing that's improved is his classwork.

Maybe to compensate, or to distract himself, he's thrown himself wholeheartedly into his classes. He listens to the teachers, taking frequent and detailed notes. All his free time is spent studying or doing homework. He's stopped planning pranks and causing trouble, leaving his friends very confused, no doubt. In fact, there is a very angry looking Sirius Black approaching me right now.

Crap.

'What did you do, Evans.' He snarls, cornering me.

'W-what do you mean' I stutter, utterly failing to hide my nerves.

'To James! He's off his game, he's lost all willing to have fun, he's hardly eating, and he's not sleeping. So tell me now, what did you say!'

He seems furious, unsurprisingly, but there is concern behind his words, so I decide to tell the truth.

'He asked me out, again, and I declined, again. I was a bit harsh, but I hardly imagined that it would lead to this! I exclaim. I'm a little annoyed at his reaction. I've turned him down before, hundreds of times, and this never happened!

Sirius sighs frustratedly, and storms back up to his dormitory. And just like that that, I'm back to being puzzled over the workings of my own mind.

Stupid Potter, making me feel so many emotions. Why couldn't things just stay the same?


	3. Night thoughts

Disclaimer: I'm not J.K, no matter how hard I pray.

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Night Thoughts.

* * *

I like the night. It's calming, silent, beautiful. It's 2 am, and I'm laying in bed, looking up at the ceiling of my Four-Poster, trying to organise the jumbled thoughts scattered in my head.

And they all come back to one thing: James. Okay, first things first. I'll give an answer to all the questions in my head.

Q: Why is he reacting this way to me rejecting him?

A: He's obviously more serious about me than I realised.

Q: Was I too harsh on him?

A: Yes.

Q: Is he overreacting?

A: Don't Know.

Q: How many other girls has he gone out with?

A: Lots

Q: How many times has he reacted this way to other girls dumping/rejecting him?

A: None

Q: Why do I reject him all the time?

A: Don't Know

Q; Is he really that bad? Would he be an awful choice of date?

A: No, and No.

Well this is getting me nowhere. I'll try some more and see if that's any better.

Q; What are his bad qualities?

A: Drama queen, Self-absorbed, Smart-ass, Pranks too much, Bullies Slytherins, doesn't focus in class.

No, those aren't true. He does make a big deal out of things, but only things that are already a big deal. He obviously isn't self-absorbed if he's this upset about my rejection. He's not a smart-ass, he's just sarcastic, and he's not nearly as bad as Sev was. He manages to balance his pranks perfectly with his school-work, because he gets good grades. He doesn't bully the Slytherins, they antagonise him and he retaliates. He must focus in class, because as previously mentioned, he gets good grades.

Q: Okay, so what are his good qualities?

A: Smart, gorgeous eyes (They truly are magnificent. Not that I look at them in class sometimes or anything), tall, muscular, good at Quidditch, good singer and dancer, kind, compassionate, funny helpful, good friend, cunning, loyal, brave and daring (duh, he is a Gryffindor), responsible and charming.

Q; If he's all these things, why do I hate him?

A; Do I really hate him?

Merlin, that's a deep question. Do I really hate James? If I can think of all those things, he must not be that bad. He obviously took this seriously, so I should probably set things right. But what would that make us? Friends?

No, we couldn't be friends. Between him, well, liking me in that way, and me being so confused, we couldn't. But, I think we'd be good friends. We do have some stuff in common after all.

In fact, I'd quite like to be friends with him.

Woah. Where did that come from? I've gone from hating James to wanting to be his friend? This is weird.

Wait a minute.

When did he become 'James' instead of 'Potter'? And why am I thinking about this so much?

I'm going down to the common room. I can't sleep, so I'll be productive and do the Transfiguration essay I've been putting off. James is good at transfiguration...

Merlin, I'm thinking about him again. I really have to stop this.

I walk into the common room, and see...

'James?'

He looks up, like a deer caught in headlights, and meets my gaze. His expression, which was reflective and focused, turns sad.

'Oh, hey Evans. I'm just working on the transfiguration essay. I'll leave.' He says, as he gathers his quill, ink and papers.

'No, you were here first. I'll do my work in my dorm.' I say, trying to be polite, and to ease the awkwardness.

'I should be going to bed anyway, it doesn't matter.' I'm not sure if he's mad at me, or if he's trying to get away from me, so I nod and smile.

We walk up the staircase in silence, which does nothing for the tension. As he's about to slip inside his dormitory, my mouth moves of it's own accord, and calls out to him.

'James?'

'Yeah?'

'Please call me Lily.'


	4. Oh Merlin

Disclaimer: As I'm sure you've guessed, I am in fact not J.K. Rowling.

Authors Note: Just a quick thing, sorry. I am incredibly proud that I managed to post 4 chapters in one day. Please remember to review, all opinions are welcome, even negative. They give me things to work on.

Oh Merlin...

* * *

What was that? That was undoubtedly the most awkward encounter I've ever had with James!Including the time when he stole the announcer's microphone and asked me to Hogsmeade during a Quidditch match

I sink onto my bed, exhausted. I need to sort out whatever I'm feeling. Easier said than done.

'Can't sleep?'

A voice startles me, and I see my best friend and dorm-mate Poppy looking at me, a thoughtful expression on her face.

'I've got a lot on my mind. What's keeping you awake? I enquire, interested. I check my alarm clock, and it's 2:24 am. Not a normal time to be awake, but when have either of us been normal?

'Coffee. I made the mistake of drinking two whole pots, thinking it was decaf.' I snigger. That is just so typical Poppy that I can't help it.

'Now come on.' She pats the bed she's perched on. 'Sit, and we'll talk about what's keeping you awake at this ungodly hour.'

'Ok then. I am completely bewildered about this situation with James.'

'Oh, I heard about that. What's going on then?'

And so she questions me patiently, and I answer. I am surprised she gets anything out of my garbled logic and flawed thought processing. Then she sits there, digesting all of this information. There is a comfortable silence between us. I take a moment to appreciate how amazing my best friend is. She's been my best friend ever since first year, when my parents sent me a Christmas card without Petunia's signature, and Petunia didn't send a present. Instead she simply sent me a letter with these words:

'Merry Christmas Freak. I'm not sending you a present, so don't cry if it doesn't turn up.'

She found me crying in the Owlery, and I gushed everything through my sobs. Ever since then, we've been each-others most trusted advisor.

'Ok, I've processed it.'

'And?' I prompt, wanting an opinion.

'I really do think he loves you.'

What! A crush is one thing, but to LOVE me? No, no, he can't. James doesn't love me. He can't.

But it does make so much sense, and is it really that bad?

Shut up brain.

'That's ridiculous.' I say, only half believing myself.

'Is it? Is it really? Would he react this way if it was just a crush. It's more plausible than you think.'

'Damn, I really hate when you're right.'

'No you don't. It happens to often for that to be true.' She smirks, and we both laugh.

'But in all seriousness, I think he does. And from what I can tell, you're sorry. Get him on his own and apologise.' She advises.

'….Ok. I will.'

'That's great. And then, maybe you can ask him out.'

WHAT! What in the name of Merlin's saggy Y-fronts is she on about! Me ask James out! How the hell does she think that I want to go out with him!

'What! Why in sanity would I ask James out?' I splutter, embarrassed and shocked.

'Because you like him, Lily. Think about it. All you can think about is him, you feel super guilty for making feel like this. And also, when did he become 'James'? Up until this, he was 'Potter.' I think you care for him a lot more than you realise. You want to be on first-name basis with him, and you want to be with him, Lils. It's obvious.'

'Maybe. I'm gonna go to bed now, see if I can get some sleep.'

'Okay then. See you later.'

I walk back to my bed, pondering what she said. Ok, I'll try something. I'll think of a word, and write down the first thing I think of. That is then what I most strongly associate with that word.

France: Holidays

Flowers: My Name

Chocolate: Honeydukes

Books: Pride and Prejudice.

Music: Radio

Tv: Doctor who.

Toys: Stuffed Animals

Sports: Quidditch

Valentines: Roses

Meat: Sausages

Cheese: Pizza

Kissing: Couples

Love: James

Wait.

Merlin help me

I associate love with James Potter! No. No no no no no no no no. No. This is NOT happening. I am dreaming this. Ugh, no. I don't love James. No matter if he's incredibly attractive, with that messy, dark hair and those intriguing hazel eyes and that tall, thin but muscular figure and those cute glasses...

Bloody Hell.

I love James Potter.

Oh crap.


	5. What is happening?

Authors Note: Sorry about not uploading for a week. I was on holiday, and the apartment didn't have wifi. As usual, I disclaim.

* * *

This is not real. This is not real. I'll wake up any minute now, and everything will be back the way it was. James won't be so attractive and emo, and I won't love him.

But it is real. Oh crap. Crappity crap crap crap crap.

I have to something. But what? I could tell James, but right now that isn't the best idea, considering the other 3 marauders want to murder me. I could keep it hidden, but do I really want to? I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't.

I'll tell him. After all, it makes sense, doesn't it? He likes me, I like him. At least, I hope it's that simple. I want it to be. Still, now is not the time to think about this. Now is the time for sleep. I'll tell him in the morning. After all, I can't bloody well barge into the boys dorm in the early hours of the morning, can I?

* * *

Well, that went bloody terribly. It's been 2 days, and he still doesn't know. I've got to get up my courage and ask him at some point. But for now, I'll focus on charms, and not on the fact that James hasn't showed up to class for the 3rd time this week.

Ok. He's over there, in the corner, with his mates. All I have to do is go up to him, and ask him to talk.

Merlin I'm terrified.

Poppy gives me a quick, reassuring hug, as if she senses my completely frazzled mental state. She probably does, actually. I maintain my belief that she is hiding some weird psychic voodoo powers.

I have to do it now, because James honestly looks suicidal. I feel unbearably guilty for causing him to feel like this.

'Hi, James, can I talk to you outside?'

Sirius and Peter are giving me murderous glances, Remus looks at James consolingly, and James just looks confused and hurt.

'Um, okay then.' His tone is soft, and I want to cry for doing to this to him.

I lead him out of the portrait, and down into an unused classroom.

'Ok, Evans, what is it. Come to hurt me again? Because if that's it, I'd rather leave. I don't appreciate being kicked while I'm down.'

I look at his face, so full of sadness and honesty, and I can't help it. I do a thing I promised I'd never do.

I break down crying in front of James Potter.

He seems taken aback. I can tell this was something he completely didn't expect.

'Um, I, Ummmm...' He says, clearly unsure of what to do.

'I'm s-so s-s-sorry!' I sob. 'I'm such a t-terrible person, I deserve t-to be killed by m-muggles with pitchforks!'

'No, No. You aren't horrible. You are one the best people I know. You are smart, kind, friendly, forgiving, generous, loyal, and fair. You are the exact opposite of terrible, and if anyone deserves to be killed by muggles with pitchforks, it's me.'

'W-why you?' I manage to stutter.

'Because I'm the exact opposite of all your good qualities. I'm surprised I still have friends after all this time.'

I never knew that he was this insecure. If I had...well, this never would have happened, certainly.

'That's not true, and you know it. You are are a perfectly good person, and you need to realise that.'

He looks so vulnerable, so I did the first thing that came to mind.

I kissed James Potter.

It was just small, a quick peck on the cheek, but he gawked up at me like I'd flashed him.

I looked at him once and my face betrayed everything.

And then, somehow, his lips were on mine, and I felt complete. He was soft, his lips slightly chapped, his hand coming up to stroke my hair. We broke apart, and his eyes had such a truthful, sweet, loving look in them that they seemed even more beautiful than ever.

'You know, I don't know anyone else who could look quite as perfect as you do after what you just went through.'

'What do you mean?' I ask, a smile on my face.

'You've just been crying, then you were kissed, and you still look positively angelic.'

I snigger. Only James could make this whole thing into a complement war.

'Let's go. Your friends are waiting for you, after all.'

'Same to you.' I respond.

And as we head up to the common room holding hands, I allow myself to let my hand grab his, and no matter how ridiculous I look, I'm happy.


	6. Finally satisfied

Ah, finally, the conclusion. I do not own Harry potter, and all that Jazz.

* * *

We reached the portrait hole, and I went to to break apart, but he simply held on tighter. I looked up at him, confused, but he simply said

'Why hide it?'

I gave him a silent nod, then we pushed through the portrait hole, together.

And all hell broke loose.

Sirius came storming over, pushing past me straight to James.

'Mate, where have you been! What did she make you do! Why are you holding hands! Tell me!'

Man, he's angry, But James, still completely calm, answers his questions.

'I've been with Lily, as you know, and she was apologising for what she put me through I accepted her apology, because she sounded genuinely guilty, and we are holding hands because it turns out that the most charming Ms. Evans feels the same way about me that I do about her.'

'Bloody hell James, after all that happened you're just going to forgive her!'

'Yes. As I said, I completely forgive her.'

'I don't believe this.' And he storms off, Remus following and trying to calm him down.

I look at James, and he looks back at me, and all I can see is how fantastic he looks.

'And now, my lady, I believe we have some more kissing to do."

'I do think you are right, my dear sir.'

And just like that, I know that we are going to last a long time. Because we are just cheesy and cliché enough to work. This is only the beginning.

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Side note: I'm thinking of doing a sequel. PM me or Review if you think I should.


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